Quinagamis and Virancars
by EnyoAzul
Summary: After the WW several people mysteriously end up pregnant. Who is the father s ? Is Urahara to blame! I dunno, it's a mystery! MpregX3! GrimmXUlq, and a bit of ByaXKen if ya squint really really hard.
1. Weight Gain

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing, nothing...except my kitty but she's not in this story.

Note1: I know, I know, I need to finish my Dateless Princess story and I have lots of reasons as to why it's not done yet but I won't bother with them here. Anyway, Enjoy _this_ crazy story!!

Warnings: Um, MPreg. Rated for language and suggestive themes. Called Humor purely for the Epilogue which I find hilarious, but maybe that's because I'm exhausted. LOL.

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_**Three Months After the Winter War: Gaining of the Weight.**_

Uryuu turned to the side once more. He let his index finger gently trail a line from his hip and around to his navel. He had gained a lot of weight, (well maybe only like two or four pounds), and he couldn't really figure out why. Sure, he wasn't running around trying to rescue kidnapped girls anymore but it's not like he was totally inactive. He still had Quincy training with his father, much to his dismay, and he often joined Kurosaki and Sado in the field. He wasn't eating poorly either. The weight gain really didn't make much sense. Perhaps he would see Kurosaki's father about it.

_Meanwhile in Las Noches, Hueco Mundo…._

"I…excuse me?"

"Preg-nant," Wonderwyce explained for the forth time. He rolled his eyes. After becoming Hueco Mundo's most respected physician he'd been dealing with all sorts of illnesses, especially among the espada: Grimmjow's pinkeye, Stark's athlete's foot, and the rash on Yammy's….anyway pregnancy wasn't a big deal and it was quite the mystery to Dr. Wonderwyce why Ulquiorra was making such a big deal about it. Surely this news was better than what they had suspected a month ago- stomach cancer. "Now we should set you up for an appointment to make a diet plan. It's important you have adequate nutrition while carrying the child…."

"But who's the father?" Ulquiorra asked, looking rather stunned.

"If you don't know," Wonderwyce said in surprise of all his patients Ulquiorra seemed the least slutty, but apparently the Arrancar got around enough, "then how should I know. You can get a paternity test once the baby's born." THUMP. "He fainted," he said aloud. he always knew Ulqui had no place in the Espada.

_And in Soul Society an adorable little pink haired girl was crying….with laughter…_

"Ken- nyahahahahahaha,-chan….having…keehehehehe…..a….b-baby…" and she fell backward's onto Kuchiki-Byakuya's bed.

The nobleman blinked. How had the little…did she say Kenpachi was having a baby? He closed his eyes and frowned. Perhaps he was dreaming. Yes, that had to be it, or otherwise Yachiru actually was in his bed but was telling him something that his sleep deprived brain could not comprehend. Without opening his eyes again he lay his head back down on his pillow determined to get a few more hours of sleep despite the squealing of the child beside him.

_At the same time…_

Kenpachi sighed glancing at Ikkaku and Yumichika who had remained silent since their first gasps of surprise. "Well go on," he said.

"Excuse me, T-taicho?" Yumichika managed.

"Say somethin' shit you're making me feel like crap. And ya know Yachiru's bound to go say something to Kuchiki or Ukitake and then the whole Seireitei will know…."

"How…" Yumichika began when Ikkaku seemed to be still too shocked to do much more than blink and soundlessly open his mouth.

"I dunno," Kenpachi admitted, "I haven't been with anyone in a long time, and I ain't never had anyone….I've never been with another man,"

"That makes no sense,"

"I know! Shit, Unohana doesn't think it makes sense either but it's happened and it's not like I'm gunna just get rid of it. It's my kid, ya know,"

"Taicho…"

"How'd ya find out?" Ikkaku said, finding his voice.

"wasn't feelin' too well, thought I had food poisoning or somethin' and I was gunna ride it out only I've always had a strong stomach so I was kind of confused as to why somethin' was makin' me ill and I thought maybe it had to do with the war or something so I went to Unohana and eventually she figured it out. Anyway, I thought I'd tell ya guys now before I start showing, and…"

They couldn't help it. Kenpachi's third and fifth seat burst into giggles at the words: "start showing."

And a few minutes later poor Unohana had two additional patients.

_**Five Months After the Winter War: Little Movements.**_

"Five-months pregnant and no prenatal care till now! Uryuu-kun you should be ashamed of yourself!" Kurosaki Isshin said as he pulled the thermometer out of Uryuu's rectum. He hadn't really needed to take his temperature in such a way, or at all, but he thought it was important the boy be punished in someway for neglecting his child.

"I know." Uryuu said, pulling his pants up and trying his best to look composed, "I apologize. I thought about coming in a few months ago, when I thought it was some kind of flu or other ailment, but when the thought of pregnancy crossed my mind I panicked. Then I threw up and …"

"It could have been morning sickness…"

"True," he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, even tough they hadn't slid down, at all. "I'm here now though, that's what matters, right?"

"Hm. I'm guessing your father doesn't know as you are _here_ and not at his place."

"I'd rather not tell him. Doubt he'd care anyway. I can handle this on my own, you know."

"I see." Isshin frowned. If Ichigo was pregnant he'd want him to come to him, but due to patient-doctor privacy he wasn't aloud to go see Ryuuken about his son. Damn, if only he had found out by rumor instead. "Well that's about it for now. Your child seems healthy, and the little wiggle that scared you into coming here came at just about the right time for a regular pregnancy. We'll make an appointment for next month, alright? Just keep eating right and staying active and, well, if you plan on keeping this a secret a bit longer you'll need some looser clothing as your weight should start increasing soon. Meanwhile I'll go see Urahara about possible reasons for this Virgin Mary Pregnancy. You may not be the only one."

_Zaraki Kenpachi was pissed…._

If one more person giggled when they saw him or said 'oh how cute,' he would go on a rampage and spare no one. No taicho or fukutaicho or random subordinate seated or not would be exempt from his wrath. He would go right up to Old Man Yama and punch him in the nose. He'd rage up and down all corners of the living world looking for Ichigo and others like him. He'd bully Urahara into helping back into Hueco Mundo and he'd slash every last Arrancar and hollow whether they be considered pardoned or not! He would do this because he was Zaraki Kenpachi the most feared and battle loving being in all of the Soul Society. He was not a 'daddy to be' or Taicho womb and anyone who dared called him such was suicidal.

"Ohhh, it's daddy Taicho," some random green haired Shinigami said pointing to the spiky haired captain of the eleventh division.

"He's so cute!" The Shinigami girlfriend giggled.

Kenpachi growled and they both scampered off. He glanced at his watch, it was almost noon. Well, he'd have to kill them later because at the moment he had more impotent things to take care of…

Ukitake had promised him crème puffs for lunch.

_Meanwhile in the halls of Hueco Mundo…_

"Oh!" He clutched his stomach and swayed a bit.

"Baby problems?" A blue haired Espada snickered from across the hall.

"Shut up." Ulquiorra said as calmly as he could.

"You got yourself into this…"

"Shut up," He moaned, because at that moment the baby squirmed, pleadingly. This was very surprising to the other Arrancar as Ulquiorra rarely ever showed emotion other than indifference to his taunts.

"What's up?" Grimmjow asked despite himself.

"The baby's been a bit more active lately."

"Active? Like practicing Cero or something?" he said.

Ulquiorra narrowed his eyes, "no, not like 'practicing cero or something'. He's moving."

"Moving? You need some boxes? I think Gin said there are some pretty cheap apartments in The Soul Society, though I don't know if they'd let an Arrancar's kid move in. Racists bastards!"

"Grimmjow, please!" and he groaned again as the baby moved with sudden force.

"Sissy."

"I'd like to see you try and carry a baby!"

"Ya got mood swings, don't ya? I mean, you've never been so snippy and…"

"It's not mood swings, here!" Ulquiorra grabbed Grimmjow's hand and placed it upon the tiny bump growing there.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! You some kind of….HOLY SHIT!" he gasped, "It Moved"

"That's what I've been telling you!"

"No, but….it _moved_!" Both Espada stared at each other for an awkward moment until the baby chose to interrupt by wiggling again.

"Anyway," he said brushing Grimmjow's hand away, "this isn't normal. It's fine that he's moving but not this much and with so much force. I just don't und….Ow!"

"Oi," the blue haired Arrancar rushed forward to catch his fellow who collapsed backwards. Ulquiorra gasped in complete surprise but the only thought that ran through Grimmjow's mind at that moment was that the dark haired Arrancar had very pretty green eyes, and he was rather lightweight for being pregnant. Then found himself wondering just how thin the Espada had been before the pregnancy.

"Grimm-jow,"

The sound of the other's voice brought him back to reality, and he realized he was holding Ulquiorra and he noted that it wasn't half bad. In fact, it actually felt…nice.

And _that_ was totally creepy so he promptly dropped the smaller Espada and ran for the exit.

_TBC…._

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A/N: That was part one of three. Part two will be posted on Saturday and part three will be posted on Sunday along with an epilogue. It's all done but I'm going to go back and rewrite and edit even though it's not a serious fic. WHATEVER!


	2. Month Seven

Note: Grimmy is kind of, really, OOC here but that's okay cuz he's in lub.

And thank you sooo much to everyone who reviewed. I really appreciate it. Lots and lots!

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_**Seven Months After The Winter War: The Theory **_

It was cold and wet and Uryuu hated being in such a compromising situation. If Kurosaki happened to walk in he'd be embarrassed as hell. Surprisingly, no one at school mentioned anything to him so far about his weight and he supposed everyone just figured he was getting fat which was really annoying but it's not like he could just shout, 'I'm not fat, I'm pregnant!' His doctor nudged him on the side.

"You okay?" Isshin asked.

"I just wish I knew what bastard did this to me," Uryuu sighed, turning once more so that Isshin could find the baby's heartbeat.

"Oh. Well…I've been meaning to tell you…" Isshin said as he wrote the vitals down on his chart.

"What?! Do you know?" Uryuu shot up suddenly and knocked over a tray of needles.

"No," Isshin didn't bother looking down at the mess, "not exactly. However, Urahara does have a hypothesis."

_In Kuchiki Manor, Seireitei, Soul Society…._

"Kenpachi, what are you doing here?" Byakuya said as a large muscular and very pregnant captain waddled into his private library. He had been reading a book on nutritious fruits and had just gotten to the chapter on strawberries- which had a really delicious section on how to use the fruit sensually.

"The servant lady let me in," Kenpachi shrugged, "'cause I'm a taicho, ya know, and I told her we had taicho stuff to about,"

"Do we?" Byakuya closed his book quietly. Kenpachi shrugged again and sat himself, awkwardly, upon a very expensive looking chair. The noble waited a moment but when the eleventh squad captain said nothing for a good few minutes he cleared his throat and asked, "Did you want something, Zaraki?"

"Can't a guy just come and visit?"

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. The only two people in all of the Soul Society who thought it was okay to just waltz right into his noble manor were Kenpachi and Yachiru. But he didn't really mind either of them. In fact, though he'd never admit this to anyone, he found it comforting to have someone treat him as if he were just anyone else. They weren't being disrespectful on purpose; they were just being themselves.

"Yachiru's mad at me," Kenpachi said finally.

"I see. You need advice on how to deal with an unruly fukutaicho. I have plenty of experience with…"

"Cut the crap! You know you aint' gotta be all formal with me! Shit, yeah Yachiru is my fukutaicho but I doubt I've ever called her such."

Byakuya sighed. "She's feeling jealous."

"Jealous? Of what?"

"The baby of course,"

"The baby?" Kenpachi tapped his stomach, "Why? It ain't like I'm gunna stop carin' about her just because I gots a new kid to take care of."

"True. And I'm sure she knows that but she also knows she won't be the only one sitting on your back anymore and she may be feeling afraid that, as this child will really be your relative, you will love him or her much more than her."

"Stupid. She should know she ain't gotta feel that way. I mean, it did cross my mind that that was what was bothering her but it just seemed so…silly."

"Silly or not it's a practical explanation. Now if that's all…" Byakuya sat up from his seat and began to depart from the library. As he made his way down the long hall he could feel Kenpachi's large reiatsu behind him, "Why are you following me, Zaraki?"

"I told ya, I came to pay you a visit."

"Is there something else bothering you?" Byakuya asked as he made his way into his bedroom.

"Yeah, I'm pregnant…damn this is a nice room."

"Why would it be anything but?"

"No, I mean, Yachiru's told me about it but I always thought she was exaggerating. Er, I mean, well, ya don't mind that she comes over, do ya? I don't tell her to stop cause, well first, I doubt she'd listen to me but also because I always figured she's safe here."

"I don't mind, though I do ask you not to tell her that and you are right she's safe here. I'd never let anything happen to her." Byakuya made his way to his drawers and began searching one of them, "In a strange way she's like a daughter to me and I suppose the same will go for the new child."

"I thought so," Kenpachi said sitting upon Byakuya's bed. The noble turned in surprise at the sound of his bed squeak but it wasn't nearly as much of a surprise as he would receive a few seconds later when Kenpachi groaned, "Man, I feel like shit," and burst into tears.

_Another person who was receiving a surprise just happened to live in Hueco Mundo…_

"So this Kisuke thinks that someone who was leaking a large amount of reiatsu at the time could be to blame? Did he mention anyone specific?"

"Yes," Szayel explained, "Specifically he mentioned Zaraki Kenpachi, Kurosaki Ichigo, and Yammy,"

"Yammy? Kurosaki?! And who is this Kenpachi?"

"Kenpachi is a captain of the Soul Society," Wonderwyce explained, "Actually he is also pregnant but it could be that he impregnated you, Kurosaki impregnated him, and Yammy impregnated the Quincy. It's unlikely that Kenpachi impregnated everyone seeing as it would be extremely strange for him to have breeded himself. Not that this situation isn't without its strangeness. And Kurosaki wasn't anywhere near the Quincy during the winter war so it's unlikely he is the father of all three children either, as for Yammy…"

"Just the thought of him being a father is disturbing and to think if he was a father three times over…hell!" Szayel concluded.

_Back in Karakura Town…_

"F-father?! But Dad I'm still a virgin, I c-ouldn't have fathered any children!"

"Doesn't matter, boy, you leak reiatsu so you're a suspect…"

"So does Kenpachi! And that Arrancar Yammy."

"They're suspect too," Uryuu said as calm as he could while Isshin suddenly ran up to his Masaki Forever! Poster and cried about 'his little boy becoming a man', "but as Kenpachi is also pregnant, even if you're not my baby's father then there is a good possibility that you fathered Kenpachi's baby."

"No way. I don't believe I fathered…..Eh?! Kenpachi's….bwahahahahahahaha," Ichigo threw back his head and laughed manically.

Uryuu sighed, "This whole family is crazy."

_In Ulquiorra's room… _

"Heard about the hypothesis goin' around," Grimmjow was casually leaning against the door to Ulquiorra's room. He surveyed the perfectly neat and organized room with some disgust.

"And you've come to tease me about it?" The dark hair espada, who was sitting upon his bed in an almost defeated position, didn't bother turning toward the intruder.

"Why would I do that?" He said inviting himself into the room.

"Because you're you and I'm me."

"So? We've become…friends lately, right?"

"I didn't know you could make friends," Ulquiorra scoffed, still not bothering to look at the blue haired Arrancar.

"Che." Grimmjow plopped himself on the bed beside the other, "I have lots of friends. You're the one with social ineptness…" This comment was met with a fluffy pillow being smacked into his face. He pushed the pillow away and grinned at the smaller Arrancar who only smiled at him sadly. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Lies!"

"It's just that...I am used to being in control and knowing everything. But with this pregnancy, with not knowing who the father is. I feel so helpless,"

Without warning Grimmjow grabbed the other's hand, "Come on, you, helpless? Please, that's the last word in the world to describe you. Annoying? Yeah. Selfish? Sometimes." Ulquiorra frowned and attempted to move away from the other Espada but the other just gripped his hand tighter, "But! But, you can also be courageous, and loyal, and…" he somehow managed to bring himself within inches of the dark haired espada's face, "and…"

"Grimmjow…"

"…and…" He closed his eyes and pressed his lips against the others, hesitant at first, but then with more intent. He pushed harder and grunted wantonly with each little moan he elicited from his partner only slightly distracted when he attempted but failed to gain access to the inside of the dark haired Espada's mouth. Afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop if he began touching the other's body he cupped Ulquiorra's chin with one hand and squeezed his hand with the other. This earned him another moan that sent waves of pleasurable sensations throughout his body. This was surely paradise!

When he finally pulled away he pressed his forehead against Ulquiorra's and sighed, "Che. That should be my baby in there,"

"What?" Ulquiorra, lips swollen and blushing furiously, chuckle, "You only kissed me. That's not how babies are made."

Grimmjow grinned, "I know, I'm being…I don't know."

"It's not like you to seem so unsure."

"Yeah well you make me feel all sorts of things that aren't 'like me'. However, I do know that if Kurosaki's the father I'm going to kill him,"

"You have my permission."

"Like I need it." He smiled when he looked down to see that his hand was still intertwined with Ulquiorra's. Not moving his hand he backed off his fellow Arrancar and leaned against the wall with a sigh, "I really hate that kid,"

"I know," the dark hair espada said joining him in the more relaxing position, "I do too."

_ Back in Byakuya's Room..._

"Man I feel like shit," Kenpachi said bursting into tears just as Byakuya was pulling something out of his dresser drawer. The noble sighed and stuffed the book into his robes before making his way to his bed.

"What's wrong?" he crossed his arms.

"I told you, I'm pregnant. It's not dignified."

"When did you start caring about being seen as dignified?"

"I don't but…"

"Besides, we all know you're pregnant," Byakuya sat upon is bed and turned to his fellow taicho, "It doesn't make you look bad. In fact most of us respect you all the more for it, and some of us are even a little jealous."

"Who'd be jealous of mornin' sickness, fatness, tiredness, and waddling? Shit no one will even fight me and not cause they're afraid of me like usual but 'cause they're afraid of 'hurting the baby',"

"That must be difficult for you," Byakuya said, "If it makes you feel any better, I'll fight you once the baby is born,"

Kenpachi's face suddenly lit up, "REALLY?!"

"Yes,"

"Will you use your Bankai?"

"I won't need to." Byakuya said, and despite himself the corners of his mouth turned upwards just slightly.

"Heh, you're on Kuchiki!" The now grinning taicho laid his head down upon one of the bigger pillows on the bed. He buried his nose in it for a moment and then said, "It smells like you,"

"You've smelled me?" Byakuya cocked his head to the side.

Kenpachi shrugged, "I guess. I think I've smelled everybody before."

"I wouldn't have expected that from you…Komamura on the other hand…"

"Huh? Oh," Kenpachi smirked, "makin' jokes now, Kuchiki?"

"Simply stating facts. Anyway," Byakuya sighed pulling out the book he had taken from the drawer. "I want to give you this,"

"Eh? A book? I ain't too much into reading…"

"Just take it."

"Hm," he looked down at the cover, "_Raising an Infant in the Seireitei: A Guide by a 60th Generation Noble, _what the hell?!"

"It's a child rearing guide." Byakuya explained, "it…it was given to me by my grandfather but, to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever take a wife again, so I thought it would be best to give it to you."

"I already raised Yachiru and she's come out alright so far."

"Yes but she was raised mainly in Rukongai, this child will be a true Seireitei citizen; a bit more will be expected from it"

"Psshh, a guy could be offended by that."

"But not you."

"Hm," Kenpachi, laying his head against the pillow again, simply looked at Byakuya for a moment and then said, "Maybe it's the hormones or something but, you know, you're pretty…like a girl."

Byakuya blinked. "And you're…pregnant…like a girl."

There was a pregnant pause until Kenpachi's facial expression changed to a sight that was a bit startling even to Byakuya and said, "Want to pretend we're lesbians?"

He was, of course, promptly kicked out.

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	3. The Daddy Is

TADA! I know it's late but I was invited to the beach and it was soooooooo much fun!!

NOTE1: Added some ByaKen interaction to the end of chapter two so you may want to reread the end if you read it before now. Did that make sense?

Warning: Some, cussing in Spanish towards the end, Sorry…

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_**Nine Months After the Winter War: How Do You Break Water?!**_

"Kurosaki! Kurosaki!"

"Ishida?" Ichigo popped his head out of his front door. He was dripping wet, and had his hair done up in a towel.

"Not you, bastard! Where the hell is your father…" a very irate Ishida Uryuu snapped.

"God, why are you being so crazy?" Ichigo cringed, "Is it the hormones!?"

"How dare you ask me such a thing!!" Ichigo blinked owlishly. "Don't look at me like that! For all we know you're the cause of this!"

"I really don't think so. I think I'd be a little bit nicer to you if I actually believed it but you know Urahara; he's always making trouble."

"Shut up! I don't have time for your prattle. Where is your father?!"

"Sleeping I suppose," Ichigo scratched his head, "or maybe he's out."

"Find out and get him here." Uryuu said through gritted teeth.

"Why, having a tummy ache?" Ichigo yawned.

"My water broke you bastard and I'm due for a contraction any second. If we don't get the cesarean section underway as soon as possible I'm having this baby through my ass! And I'll make sure that afterwards you learn exactly what it's like to have something _this_ big" Uryuu stretched his arms out to full length, "come out of yours."

Ichigo nodded but also mumbled, "I doubt the baby's that big."

_Felling much different emotions from Ichigo and Uryuu where two Arrancar in Hueco Mundo…_

"Oi! Stop! You're heavy and I think I'm squishing the baby," Ulquiorra said pushing his blue-haired lover off of his back, sitting up upon their bed, and spreading his sheet over the lower half of his body. Once he had made himself decent enough given the situation he looked up to see Grimmjow beaming at him.

Not bothering to cover himself up Grimmjow embraced his lover, "Ulqui," he mumbled into the dark haired Espada's shoulder, "You're so damn beautiful, you know that?"

"If you say so," Ulquiorra said.

"Yeah I do. And it's true…" He paused. "Hey Ulqui, what would ya say if I told you I…I… what if I said that I thought that I…"

"You don't have to say it."

"But…I really do." He pulled away slightly and looked into his lover's bright green eyes, "What about you?"

"Yes, I think I do too."

"Good." He said placing a gentle kiss on the smaller Arrancar's neck..

_And in Soul Society a very nervous looking noble sat with a small pink haired girl and two of eleventh divisions most respected members in the forth squad maternal unit waiting room…_

"Congratulations," Unohana, seemingly appearing out of no where, said to Yachiru "You have a brand new baby sister"

"Sister….so he did it!" Yachiru said jumping out of Byakuya's lap.

"He did." Unohana smiled.

"Ohh, can we see him, Taicho?" Yumichika asked.

"Yes, but don't be too long. He's happy but he's very tired too."

The group nodded and followed the fourth squad taicho to Kenpachi's room.

"Another daughter," Byakuya said immediately upon entering the room.

Kenpachi looked up from the tiny infant in his arms to the group and grinned.

"Wow, Ken-Chan, she looks like you, but not so ugly and more girly." Yachiru giggled.

"Thanks Yachiru, that makes me feel great." Kenpachi rolled his eyes as Byakuya took the baby into his own arms to show the eleventh squad third and fifth seats.

"She's sooo cute. Ohhh, we should have a baby next, Ikkaku!" Yumichika purred and brushed up against his best friend.

"Yeah you do that. It ain't gunna be with me though." Ikkaku pushed away his companion and turned to his taicho, "So, what's her name?"

"Heh. It's a good one. I decided to name her Mystery."

"Mystery?" Ikkaku and Yachiru frowned.

"Yeah because her father and conception is a mystery."

Such an artificial name, Yumichika and Byakuya sweat dropped.

_In Hueco Mundo someone was screaming…_

"Get that pinche pendejo out of here!"

"Ulquiorra-san please calm down," Wonderwice sighed, "and Stark if the mother doesn't want you in here, then you'll have to leave,"

"But the miracle of birth should be caught on camera…" Stark protested holding up a brand new black digit camera.

"I don't want it on camera, chingado!" Ulquiorra shouted again waving his arms so that the tray of equipment Szayel was holding clattered to the floor.

"Eh, maybe we shouldn't have opted for the natural birth," Grimmjow muttered to himself.

"Besides Nnoitra paid me to do this, and I already spent the money, I don't want to pay it back…"

"What does that bastard want with a video of my lover giving birth?" Grimmjow said angrily.

"I dunno he said something about YouTube but…"

"YouTube?! YouTube!? GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"

_**Nine Months and One Week After the Winter War: Paternity Tests**_

"I can't believe you're making me do this," Ichigo sighed as his dad drew another little bit of blood, "this one goes to Szayel and Dr. Wonderwyce, and this one stays here. Sorry son, but if you're the father it's best that you find out now.

"I'm not the father of any of these children. Er, aren't you going to take another one? For the Soul Society,"

"Actually," Urahara, who arrived on cue, said, "the Soul Society wants you there in person."

"What?! But….dad!"

"What they want is what they get. Sorry kid. I'll tell you the results of Uryuu's and Ulquiorra's tests once you get back. And of course," Isshin turned toward Urahara, "in exchange for my son you have the vials?"

"Of course," Urahara laughed, "One vile of Kenpachi blood, and one of Yammy's." He pulled them out of his pocket extremely slowly, "ew ew ew ewwwww," he tossed them to Isshin, "So icky!"

"Stop being immature," Ichigo said irritably, "Ow, what was that for? If I'm going to Soul Society in person you don't' need to poke me anymore!"

"Thinks he knows everything," Isshin sighed, handing Urahara _three_ vials of his son's blood.

"Kids these days," Urahara smiled.

_**One Hour After Nine Months and One Week After the Winter War: Paternity Tests: Results**_

"The father is….. Kurosaki Ichigo. BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I'M A GRANDFATHER!! I've got to go tell Masaki!" Isshin burst into tears! And so did Uryuu but for completely different reasons.

And Ryuuken, a few blocks away, was sure he heard someone howl "No! I gave birth to a Quinigamii!! Why?!" but that made no sense whatsoever so he ignored it and went back to his paperwork.

_Meanwhile in Hueco Mundo…._

"This paternity test has come back positive. Kurosaki Ichigo is indeed the father." Wonderwyce said solemnly.

"I…suppose I should tell him," Ulquiorra said quietly. Beside him Grimmjow cursed and cracked his knuckles angrily.

_But if Ulquiorra were to have gone at that exact moment to report to the father he would have found that Ichigo was not at home but instead in the Soul Society…_

Yamamoto held a manila envelope in his hand. His very serious expression startled even Kenpachi. He opened the manila envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. He turned to the tenth espada and said, "In the case of Zaraki Mystery, Arrancar Yammy you... are NOT the father,"

"Yes, I knew it, thank Aizen-Sama!" Yammy jumped up and down high-fived Yumichika and Ikkaku and ran out of the first division quarters and into the streets of the Seireitei where he was promptly chased by ten seated Shinigami.

"What a reaction," Ichigo sighed.

"Anyway," Yamamoto pulled out another envelope and looked at Ichigo, "In the case of Zaraki Mystery, Kurosaki you ARE the father!"

"Wh-what!?" Ichigo stuttered before fainting.

"I knew it!" Yumichika said excitedly, "You owe me ten dinners now, Ikkaku!"

"Shitt," Ikkaku sighed.

Kenpachi mumbled, "well at least it was somebody strong."

"Oh, are you guys gunna get married now?" Yachiru asked. Byakuya couldn't help it, the mental imagery of Kenpachi in a wedding dress, he very uncharacteristically burst into laughter.

_Meanwhile in a third squad holding cell…_

"ooookkaaa-san,"

"Oi, Izuru don't call me that,"

"Why not, Okaa-san?"

"It's embarrassing ya know."

"Here's your baby, Gin," Kira Izuru said handing his former taicho an ever smiling blonde infant.

"And…"

"Right here," Izuru waved a piece of paper in the air,

"What does it say?"

"It says…._I'm_ the father!"

"Really? Ah, I'm relieved."

"Me too especially after hearing that Kurosaki was the father of everyone else's child," Izuru sat next to his lover, "I'd have been so jealous if he had fathered yours too, and I have some more good news. I got you another lawyer. He says that despite the fact you helped Aizen escape to Hueco Mundo you didn't really do anything wrong and during the war, well, we were a little too preoccupied to actually fight so you can't be charged with participation. He may be able to reduce your sentence."

"Aww, Izuru you're too good to me."

"I'm only doing what's best for _our_ baby, Taicho."

"Izuru,"

"Yeah?"

"Stay with me for a while?"

"Yes, Ichimaru Taicho. Whatever you want."

_Later, outside the sixth division…._

"So what you're saying is that because you never learned to control your spiritual pressure you're a virgin that fathered three children?!"

"Erm, basically," Ichigo blushed.

"Sucks to be you!" Renji snorted.

"Che, poor wittle Ichigo, has twee wittle babies" Rukia snickered.

"Hey! Have some sympathy you guys!"

"That's kind of hard to do, I mean, how many people told you to keep your spiritual pressure in check?" Rukia said.

"Like five, or ten, or something,"

"Ohhh, and one of those was Ishida-kun, huh? Man, is he going to give you a lecture when you get back to K-Town,"

Ichigo groaned.

"Don't call it K-Town, you sound so lame Renji," Rukia teased.

"Shut up!"

* * *

THE END! But go to the next chapter for the Epilogue (which was actually written first)


	4. Epilogue

_**Two Years, Five days, and 12 Hours After the Winter War: The Epilogue**_

"'Kay 'kay have fun!" Grimmjow snickered as Ulquiorra jumped behind him in their family sized motorcycle.

"Yeah yeah," Ichigo sighed as the two year old Virancar crawled up his back and latched onto his head, "you're pickin' the little devil up at 7pm on Sunday right?"

"No, I'm picking up your _son_ at 8am on Monday morning," Ulquiorra sighed, "Goodbye Kurosaki, and don't forget to give him his allergy medicine every four hours, it's _that_ season."

Ichigo shook his head and watched as the motorcycle zoomed off. "No! Stop, Mystreeee! Stop, Mommy, Mystree is trying to kill Bumbums!"

"Bumbums?" Ichigo's eyes bulged, what was his little Quinagami going on about? And hadn't he told him to stop calling him Mommy?! (Damn that Uryuu putting word's in their child's mouth!) He put his Virancar down and rushed inside.

"I cut it, daddy!" Mystery giggled running up to him and swinging the curtain rod….how had she gotten the curtain rod?

"That's not nice, mommy! Tell her!" Little Soken pouted.

Before he could scold Mystery and correct Soken that he was a daddy and not a mommy, he was distracted by a very loud ripping sound, "Uhh….ohhh….Trash!"

"Trash?" Ichigo snapped his head around in time to see his green eyed boy pick up a piece of his father's Masaki Forever! poster.

Ichigo groaned.

Why? Oh Why hadn't he learned to control his spiritual pressure?!


End file.
